Thursday, May 24, 2012

the countdown begins...

For some reason all I can think about today is the chair. I don't remember being uncomfortable really.. just bouncing nervously the entire day.  But that chair. I sat perched on the edge, listening to All That Remains and FFDP, over and over again. Waiting. People came and went. Dr's came in and gave updates to the other families. And I clung to the edge of that chair like it was the Titanic.  I don't really remember much else (at least right now) except for the immediate pre op time. And when Dr. Asano came out. I think back to 2 years ago.. and nothing seems real. None of it. Like it happened to someone else. Well, it has.. many someone elses. Most recently Charli's friend Jadon, who has had some great publicity about the procedure and the hospital. It's all very foggy for me. Charli sat with me today singing the Fresh Beat song and I thought back to the chair. The endless hours. And my little girl, who underwent one of the most RADICAL procedures that can be done... was singing a song for me today.  I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think of it. But as the anniversary gets closer it's like black and white turns to technicolor. Memories fade in and out constantly. EVD, vomiting, the look on her face, the smile she had in ICU when she woke up, the bag that hung next to her crib for her transfusion, the blank look in her eyes before her shunt, when Dr. Chitlur showed up close to 7p and told me she had a clot in her sagittal sinus and they thought she had a stroke.. not knowing if I'd ever see that smile again when they took her back to OR. Not really knowing if she'd live, much less be my Charli again.. sobbing watching whatever movie that was about the guy who died and the dog who sat outside the train station waiting for him, the day that never ended until she woke up from anesthesia and looked around still not smiling, until I did a dancey dance. The relief that I saw that crooked smile again. There it was. Tired, but it was there. My girl. My incredibly strong amazing girl.  I still can't believe it's been 2 years. ... to be continued.

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