Saturday, May 26, 2012

730 days....









well, survived another anniversary. Yesterday and this morning were definitely rough and things were not looking good, but after a good several laughs with Joyce and an outing with my mom I'm feeling better. Happier. Thankful. I'm glad the overwhelming anxiety has ceased for the moment (to rear it's head in a few days I'm sure) but for now I'm just grateful. Grateful for the gifted team of physicians, nurses, NPs, PAs and everyone else who worked with us in Detroit. Blythe, the music therapist. Freddy the front desk guy. BIGBYS of course. Subway Pizzas (which I lived on in Detroit for that month)  The shunt as much as I hate it, it saved her. And it was very closing to going the other way.  Every minute I've had with Charli, that we have all had with Charli since 5-26-10 has been miraculous. Her strength has never been more evident than this last year while in and out of the hospital God knows how many times, 4 shunt revisions, starting full day 5 day a week pre school and still continually making progress.Yes she has missed a lot of days due to drs appointments, her being tired, sick whatever, but she STILL continues to make gains. NONE of this would be possible if we had not had the surgery. I can't even let myself think about the possibilities if we HADN'T had the surgery. Sub clinically seizing every 2 seconds. That is essentially status. Who knows how long she had been seizing like that. Transition into LGS would have been completed. Charli was rare, she made progress (albeit slowly) despite the frequency of seizures. Dr. Chugani was very surprised. But who knows how long she could have kept going at that pace. There were no more meds to try, no other options. She was a clear surgical candidate. It was what we needed to do and we had to be in Detroit.  Sometimes the amount of trauma this family has suffered overall escapes me. But as I looked back thru the pictures, the montage, it is so real I feel raw. Her birth, and the hell that ensued after, her seizing the day after Christmas, the IS diagnosis, her father having a spontaneous carotid artery dissection and stroke when she was 6 months old, the agonizing months and months of seizure meds, changes, force feeding her meds, food aversion, the hellish 20 some odd hours spent in the ER when we thought she was having an aortic dissection and we couldn't get any peds anesthesia to come in and do the tests she needed to rule it out, and we had no idea if she would live thru the night, traveling all over New England for drs and tests. steroids, the decision to go on Vigabatrin and risk the vision loss to get rid of the seizures.  Hoping that would be our miracle drug. The disappointment when it wasn't.  The thought and amount of process and time going in to the surgery decision. And then going to Detroit. Where it just all made sense. I wish I had gone there about a year earlier.  It just all clicked. It was right. Everything they said, how she would be, why she was seizing, it all made sense.  Going thru the surgery was pure hell. Nothing short of it. The hemi was bad, but no where near as bad as the shunt. that was the most agony I've ever been in.  Not knowing, anything. would she live? Did she have a stroke? is the clot going to break and cause a stroke? will she be the same?  Could she survive the surgery only to have another possibly fatal stroke from the clot in her transverse sagittal sinus?  But that pressure change was another miracle. Brought my girl right back to me. Smiles and all (after 12 hours of her sleeping off anesthesia)  I had never been more happy in my life.  We were going to do intensive in pt PT there, but after the shunt it was clear she needed time to just rest and go home. and that's what we did. shortly after being home for a week or two I get a call I have stage 2 superficial spreading melanoma. Not what I was expecting to hear. And a few months later my mom was diagnosed with it as well.  And I don't know all the details , but I believe Charli's other grandma Kitty had thyroid surgery because of a malignancy. For some reason it seems we just can't catch a break. But I'll tell you this. Nobody loves this girl more than me, but it's a close second with her dad, and then our families and friends. Larry and  I would die for her if it meant she would be ok. And she is lucky to have grandparents and cousins who love her , and friends who think of her always and send good thoughts and love.  We are lucky. Larry and I are lucky, because we have the most amazing daughter, a beautiful girl with a big heart, strength that blows me away, and love and smiles to share with everyone. I know she teaches me things daily. Her persistence and will is so unbelievably strong.  I knew from the first day in NICU I had a fighter. She has had to fight for so much, and thru so much, but she always does it with a smile (and some complaints sometimes) but always smiles. And big bright appreciative eyes.  I've never been more proud in my life. She is my hero. She always surprises me, impresses me, makes me laugh. We have the most amazing daughter. We've all been thru hell. Most recently Larry just underwent surgery to repair an inguinal hernia. sometimes it feels as if its neverendless.   But we got thru it all, and we will get thru it all again if need be. Because that little girl, I'll do whatever I need to, and her dad will to. The one thing ALL of us can agree on is Charli, and she deserves to have the best.  I love you Gooch. I'm glad you had a good day at Daddys tonight. I miss you. I love you more than anything <3

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