Sunday, June 21, 2009
Deep in the recesses of my mind, where I thought they lay hidden...they now creep..
This is what I was doing this time last year. June 22, 2008. What seemed like a normal day. A really hot day. A day that I did not feel well, and thought I was getting third trimester morning sickness back after being ok for a few months. This apparently was about the same time my daughter, while inside her mommy (who should be protecting her and knowing what is going on ) was having a bilateral middle cerebral artery infarction (better known as stroke) While I opened gifts and joked and ate cake, my daughter was in the beginning stages of fighting for her life. I can't quite wrap my head around it. How did I not know. How did something not scream at me get her out..something is wrong!!! What the hell was wrong with me. It wasn't until the next weekend they hospitalized me, only to send me home again..to go back in on Monday and have them try to induce. How did I not know my precious angel was in distress. How did the idiot dr's not realize that when fetal variablitily is flat, and you fail a biophysical profile that is NOT a good thing, so bring the baby out, start stroke protocol...get her out of there. Hind sight is a funny thing. All the things I should've done, should've said, should've fought for. As the babys birthday gets closer I find myself struggling with the events of last year and the events leading up to now. We have come a long way for sure from those first few NICU days, but honestly it haunts me. It sits in the deep in my mind waiting for a weak moment to pray on me, make me remember how terrified I was (and still am) for all the things my daughter has gone thru. Never really having an answer, or an answer to if it could happen again. Speculative doesn't work with me. But, I look at my monkey, my beautiful, strong, bright eyed, happy monkey, and remember that it all worked out. SO no matter how hard it is to relive it right now, it turned out ok. She is ok. We will be OK. It may take time, but it will happen. And as we near the celebrating of monkeys 1 year birthday all I ask for her for her birthday is seizure freedom. The rest will be nice, but SF would be like Christmas. We let monkey have cake tonight. Because I don't know (thanks to ACTH) when she will be able to have her party. SO she enjoyed making a mess of cake tonight . A pre birthday cake smushing. So, while there is no doubt that from June 22nd until July 13th I am going to be more of a basket case than usual, I will try and persevere and be strong, because monkey needs me to be. Especially in NY.I will do my best to try and stuff this back in the dark closet from which it came. Hopefully I'll have some good news to report soon.